


When Hawke Isn't Home

by Dakoyone



Series: Tumblr Drabbles [8]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Corpses, Dismemberment, Gen, Prompt Fic, Whodunit?, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-25
Updated: 2015-03-25
Packaged: 2018-03-19 15:10:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3614517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dakoyone/pseuds/Dakoyone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Strange things happen to the Hawke estate.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TheBearMuse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBearMuse/gifts).



> Prompted by thebearmuse
> 
> "You need to stop leaving dead bodies in my kitchen."

She couldn’t recall exactly how she managed to get home…or more importantly, who drew the short straw of being tasked to walk her home. Oh, but wait. Nope. She knew exactly who it was. How could she have  _possibly_  forgotten that sweet, delicious baritone — that thick, rich brogue? Oh, Maker, if voices were food, his would be the darkest Antivan chocolate truffles.

She giggled at the thought, but it sounded so ridiculous that she’d never admit to it.

“But maybe I’ll tell him. What do you think?” she asked, grinning madly while she leaned toward the potted shrub she was addressing. “He probably doesn’t have the best impression of me at the moment though. Tch, who asked you? What do you know? You’re just a dumb plant. No, I’m sorry. You’re a good house plant. The best house plant.” 

With an awkward pat on one of the leaves — which, in all actuality, was more of a hand missing the leaf entirely and nearly bringing her entire body down after it in the process, she bent slightly at her waist with the full intent of launching herself forward into the main hall _because that’s just how walking worked, duh_ , and nearly tripped over her own two unusually incompetent feet as well as…an arm?

That was odd.

A decapitated head lay a few feet away from it, warming itself comfortably against the brightly lit fireplace.

_Two things here are not like…anything else in this house. Make that three._

The consistency in which she was discovering random body parts strewn around the hall and…the stairs and…the upper hall was more than a bit disquieting. Did she accidentally go on a killing spree while in her drunken haze? Did she somehow miss the turn to her mansion and wander up to Fenris’ mansion instead? Why were there only right arms and no left arms lying around? Above all else,  _this_  was the thing that vexed her the most.

She found the answer sitting in front of the door to her room, tail wagging excitedly at the return of his mistress.

“You,” she began, pointing first at him, then to herself, then back at him for good measure, “you and I need a good, long talk about…all this.” Her arm waved out back toward the hall, but she paused mid-movement as a thought suddenly occurred to her. “You didn’t…did you?”

The most faithful, trustworthy, and loyal hound in all of Thedas with the deepest sense of affection for his mistress  _woofed_  in affirmation, and Hawke groaned, long and loudly. The kitchen. The  _kitchen._  It’d be a miracle if Orana stayed on after this.

The good  ~~ _terrible, TERRIBLE_~~  news was that her drunken haze was now successfully cured. With her new found sobriety tucked under her belt and her most favoritest hound at her heels, she headed back down the stairs. “Come along then. We’ve got some cleaning to do.

Good dog.”


	2. Obligatory Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> with a nod to "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

Varric followed up on the attack on the Hawke estate, using the odd absence of left arms as his primary lead in his investigation. Apparently the expired thugs were members from one of the many gangs of Kirkwall. This group, The Resilient Righties, was led by one who called himself the Black Knight.

The ever faithful mabari, Dog, of superior olfactory skill pinpointed the location of their hideout, leading the charge and cornering the Black Knight in a random old, abandoned warehouse along the docks. Strangely enough, he was the only member of the gang who did not have a right arm. 

(The codex entry Hawke and Co. found in the larder stated that initiates would cut off their right arms as proof of their dedication to their cause…whatever that was.) 

In a duel against Hawke, the Black Knight charged forward, his sword clutched awkwardly in his non-dominant left hand, and promptly got his arm chopped off at the shoulder. So he began kicking at Hawke instead. Their conversation went as follows:

“Look, you stupid bastard, you’ve got no arms left!”

“It’s just a flesh wound.”

The Black Knight soon died after due to severe blood loss.

Meanwhile Hawke still had not drawn up the courage to tell Sebastian of her feelings for him, but that was okay. The next time they had a moment to themselves, he’ll be sure to tell her first.


End file.
